


Thought Bubbles

by Elphabuddy



Category: Original Work, Poetry - Fandom
Genre: Bad Poetry, Dysphoria, Gender Dysphoria, Heartbreak, Love, Poetry, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-02-04 09:52:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 16
Words: 3,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18602119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elphabuddy/pseuds/Elphabuddy
Summary: I write shitty poetry in addition to fanfic.





	1. Yellow

All she sees is yellow

Yellow flowers, yellow blanket beneath them, yellow rays of sun, yellow locks of long hair, yellow

Her girlfriend’s body pressed against her own

Soft arms wrap around her waist, sliding under her thin sweater to soak up her extra warmth

Beams of heat from the sky’s greatest star blown off their cheeks by chilly spring air

Daffodils brush her hip 

The color swallows her in the most delightful way

The fear of being caught is gulped down as their lips press together

Behind her eyelids, all she sees is fireworks of yellow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr @elphabuddy


	2. Boundaries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Sexual Assault

“You’re mine”

“You’re just so handsome”

“You have an amazing butt”

But my body wasn’t never made for you

You constantly preach about the importance of consent yet you never consider that mine is as important as yours 

Touch me all over and laugh when I stiffen with discomfort

Was my comfort a joke to you?

Most people know that fight or flight are common responses but many don’t see how freeze is just as valid

Ice in my veins ceased to flow, heart crystalized with frost, as I stood there and allowed it to play out

My mouth gaped open like a fish on land, never able to release the sounds I needed you to hear

The pleads that I shouldn’t have to beg because you knew you had just crossed the lines I clearly drew for you 

I was your favorite game, wasn’t I?

Find what makes me uncomfortable then purposefully trick me into positions that leave me prone for you to do what you want regardless of the wishes I have made known 

I was not out so you kissed me in public

I do not like PDA so you wrapped your arm around me and clung to my hip

I hate having my ass being touched so you’d pull me in for a hug and slide your hands lower

Like clay I can be morphed to anyone’s will

Shape me into a masterpiece or blunder completely and throw me out like the trash you see me as

I was so desperate to be loved that I would do anything or be anyone

If it was unhealthy, then health be damned, it was still love

I let the warmth of your touch to cancel out the chill that took over me after

The hardest part about this is that I don’t hate you

I still can’t ruin you because I still care about you

I want to spit in your fucking giggly face when I see you but I am just angry

Not spiteful 

I flinch at people behind me because what if what if what if

I wish I could want to hurt you back

To repay you for how you destroyed my sense of safety with loved ones

I stand here now in front of everyone, your name on my lips muted like my shouts were in my head for you to stop crossing my boundaries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr @elphabuddy


	3. Complex

High pitched voice that commands respect 

Strong arms with slim wrists

Sharp jawline with soft cheeks

Short height with a proud posture

Masculinity

Femininity

Tossed into a blender and turned on high diversifying me into a bizarre genderfuck smoothie

I am a well built structure 

All parts wielded together sturdily

Unflinchingly

I am contradictory but complimentary

Complexly melded together into a wonderfully made creation

I am creating myself everyday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr @elphabuddy


	4. Echocardiogram

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW Dysphoria

Bare and exposed

Showing complete strangers my most hated parts

My chest on display for all to see

Cold gel smeared my skin leaving my outside as disgusting as I feel inside

I hear Ted Allen chop someone in the background of my mind

They play the Food Network in an attempt to pacify their patients

As if they think we can make ourselves feel at home on a stretcher with the safety guard holding us captive

In a scratchy robe that opens in the front and can’t be tied shut

Grind the bar into my ribs

No apology for the winces of pain it causes

What a sick irony

To survive near death to live through this hell every goddamn year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr @elphabuddy


	5. No Wizard

I hear the strength in Elphaba’s voice as she belts out 

“No wizard that there is or was is ever going to hold me down”

To me it isn’t a silly lyric in a musical

It is a stance

It is our reality

The wizard sees me as less than

Not even worthy to take a piss

“Animals are better seen, not heard” Ozians recite 

I will scream at the top of my lungs until you hear me

I deserve to be listened to

I am not defaming your poor wizard when I repeat his words back to you

This isn’t fake news

I will never respect a man who can’t respect me

He isn’t my wizard

He is a monster

May wickedness be thrust upon me for feeling this way and fighting back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr @elphabuddy


	6. Fire + Ire

Crack me open like a Russian nesting doll

Dig deep into them

Keep tossing away the layers til you hit my core

The truth in my soul

I am truly constantly consistently really fucking angry

The rage at injustice that rages on inside

I plaster my face with plastic placidity internalizing screams of words dreaming of being exhaled

I bite back my bitterness

I’m bubbling, boiling, burning, burying, breathing

Air enters my lungs as I am attempting to soothe myself

In this cafe I claim sanctuary

Lips, tongue, and teeth work together to free me yet another week of the irate fire within me

I want to be a happy person

To only use my voice to add goodness here

Some times I can’t 

Fury oozes from my lips trickling down my chin and god I need a napkin

A clean rag to wipe up all the muck I spread around me

Rants ramble incoherently from me some days before I can cage them

I do my best to add more positivity than negativity into this world

Every morning I command myself to be a better person

Kinder, nicer, softer in the area I find hardness

Hold onto the pure things I know exist

Everyday is a struggle

I shove my true emotions to the pit of my stomach where it’s left to smolder 

Try to smother the flames in the acid within

Tamp, tamp, tamp them down

My words, bullets

My vessel, a gun

I pray that today I remembered to keep the safety on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr @elphabuddy


	7. Veil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW Transphobia

Her breath smells of almonds and bitterness spitting out this poison

Positively proclaiming my permanent femininity

My bone structure is so soft

It is fact, static, unchangeable, not my fault

The yarn she spins is that I’m told this is for my protection

That she just worries

Well then she needs to keep spinning, keep knitting 

Maybe her blindfold will be finished by the time my body begins to prove her wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr @elphabuddy


	8. Word, Reword

I often wonder if what I write matters

It is the same words already written

Repositioned repetition

Redacted, reused, replaced, repurposed until I wonder if what I recreate even has a purpose

Maybe this is just me catastrophizing my worth

Maybe I'm not sure that my voice is yet worthy

Sometimes I still feel like that scared little girl

Like everything is wrong but not knowing why I feel this way

Like how I keep restarting and rephrasing this

It isn't bad 

It's just wrong

After years of closing my mouth, it's difficult to pry it open now

Like I let my jaw rust shut in the endless winter most would call a childhood

No crowbar dare brave me

Dare brave the flood that would pour out

But break my jaw and let the words flow because goddammit do I have things to say

Finally releasing leaving everyone who knew me before reeling

Yet this feeling of meaninglessness has fused to my bones

Weighing my steps towards work, towards strangers, towards loved ones

I will drag my heavy feet as confidently as I can manage

I will tell my truth and speak my peace

I will keep creating

Because if I don't, who will

Reenforce my resolute resolve to readily read and reread my recycled words

Rewind, rewrite, and refurbish

Reword until I feel that these words are my own

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr @elphabuddy


	9. The Silent K

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW Death, Blood

It’s a click clack knick knack shattering night and the knight in the corner shuttered

Shards sprayed across the room

He knew of her cat so the slinking of a shadow raised no alarm

No awareness to the silver watching him clean the mess of broken crystal 

Hot shower to wash off the day and called it a night

Head rested on plush feathers and silk to slip into peaceful unconsciousness

An inhuman yowl pierces the silent veil of sleep followed by a skittering of tiny claws across glossy cedar floors

The quilts cocooning him do nothing to abolish the chill

Darkness slips through locked door and grins as the mechanism clicks

Muddy feet pad softly to the man

Sticky crimson drips on his face and he peeks through heavy eyelids

The dirt covered body of his latest victim stands above with the silver blade of her knight

She becomes her own soldier and finishes the war he waged inside her house

The deafening scream of her ex-lover peals off of peeling walls, marking her victory with a second set of X-ed out eyes on a starry night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr @elphabuddy


	10. Seasons

In the beginning there was white crystal

Cold, slick, sharp, nothingness

A diamond, hard but beautiful

Pressed ashes from the hate that burned us to the ground

The quiet is deafeningly loud

And She said “Let there be love.”

A heartbeat resounds in the planet’s core and all Her tears drip into precious jewels, scattered along the Earth

Moldavite blades of grass crunch beneath my thick, clunky boots

Bare naked branches brush my shoulders, reaching down towards me

As if to ask for a hug

As if the melted snow that previously covered them has left them lonely without it’s dense weight enveloping them

I rest an open Morganite palm on their bark, cool from the fresh rain that’s seeped through, their souls slowly reviving

I murmur gentle encouragements with my forehead pressed against their wooden torsos

I wander this barren park of the deceased that is remembering how to breathe again

Blood begins to pump in the roots

I sit unaware of the resurrection beneath me

Crimson ruby roses explode, blowing away the death and silence like bullets to flesh

Sunshine beams down and bees buzz happily over lush meadows

Robins return to the sky, chirping gratefully as they dig the dirt for food

Children run and laugh, race their tiny bodies around parent’s legs and deftly weave daisies into crowns with clumsy hands

Royalty of new beginnings

Warm sapphire waves wash over my feet which are covered in sand that has flecked my skin like fine gold

Blue moon ice cream, silky and sweet, is shared between loved ones

I evolve with the times

Print new photos to immortalize my peace and paste them all over my overflowing walls

Sit motionless as the beating wings of butterflies grace my presence

Bite into an apple, a bright Jade, firm in my hand and crisp as the grass I once stood on

The vibrancy that surrounds us dulls 

Obsidian embers sizzle out while sticky marshmallow becomes glued to my teeth

Sunflowers wilt in the approaching darkness and frost

Bowing in mourning of the lives they knew

Emeralds mutate into Garnets, Jaspers, and Ambers that fall pathetically from the sorrowful trees

The yellow brick road veers from their lost gems 

They weep to me that they do not want this to be their end

I rest an open Morganite palm on their bark, cool from the chilly autumn air

With my forehead pressed against their wooden torso

I murmur to them soothingly

“Death isn’t the ending and life isn’t the beginning

It is simply the changing of the seasons”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr @elphabuddy


	11. Prayer For The NRA

Your Father who art imagined

Hatred be thy name

Your cruelty come

Destruction’s done

On earth as there is no heaven 

Show us this day the many dead

Ignorant of our doubts

Yet you despise the doubters

Lead you not into compassion 

Deliver you from kindness

For thine is the anger, the shootings, and the bullets

Forever

Amen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr @elphabuddy


	12. Brother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW Dysphoria

Brother

I love you but sometimes I hate you when I look at you in the eyes

For the way you tower over me

I mean I look up to you but why must I have to literally look up to see you

Brother

I love you but sometimes I hate you for how your deep voice able to boom out words I tried to say when no one was listening

I understand that if you didn’t I’d never be heard

There are times that I wonder how important what I’m saying really is

How important people actually view me

When people ignore me but listen to you

Brother

I love you but sometimes I hate you for how your thick beard taunts me

Singing to me that I will never be man enough to grow one as magnificent as yours

Brother

I love you but sometimes I hate you for how you are always able to lift the things I can’t

Occasionally it’s nice because I can dodge harder work

Most times I resent it because “girls as weak” and I’m NOT a girl

I wish I never had to be seen as one for a millisecond

Brother

I love you but sometimes I hate you when I see your shirtless

You don’t have a perfectly flat chest but goddamnit you will NEVER need to pay $10,000 for a chest that won’t make you think about how much easier it would be to not have existed

Brother

You are my rock

But sometimes I feel like I am scissors being smashed under you

Brother

I love you but sometimes I fucking hate that you have the ability to take those qualities for granted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr @elphabuddy


	13. Superman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW Dysphoria

Some days I feel like Clark Kent

I wake up

I put on my glasses

I take a deep breath

I prepare to play my role

To don my alter ego of protection

The dutiful daughter

Perfect princess

Sweet young lady

HER

I walk on eggshells fearing that they might crack and crumble under the weight of my baggage into an irreparable mess

I hear how people speak of my fellow Krytponians

They call us dangerous

Freaks

Aliens

I am an alien in my own skin

Some days I wish I could be Superman

Strong but gentle

Powerful but protective

The physical embodiment of maleness and masculinity

A perfect gentleman

A super

A savior

But how can I expect myself to save everyone when I can barely save me from the hellscape that is body

I carry my Kyptonite daily

Embedded shrapnel I fear I may never be able to extract from my being

In my breasts

In my hips

In my short stature

In my squishy baby cheeks

In every last feature that screams "I WAS BORN A GIRL”

Green poison oozes from my lips with every word I speak

For once I’d like to have a day that I can forget that my world as I knew it exploded leaving my failures and shortcomings in it’s wake

Some days I dream of being super

Of getting the girl

Of saving the world

To stand in front of the words like bullets and be unaffected

To be free

But everyday

Everyday I just wish I just could be myself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr @elphabuddy


	14. Orange

Orange is an ugly color

It’s in your face

It’s stunningly bright in your eyes

It’s proud to be awful

It is ugly until it isn’t

5:46am as the sun begins to rise

What a gorgeous clash of orange and blue and white and purple

How majestic are the puffy clouds piecing apart aglow

Daily putting on a show without a care

Without expectation of applause

 

Citrus bursts in my mouth like a firework

A delightful burn that makes me desire more than just a slice

It’s scent is fresh and addictive

Sweet but tart and I begin to wonder how I can relate to a fruit

 

Warm and soft as a cat laying on top of me

Soothing vibrations ebbing into my chest

Her breath starts to match mine as they begin to doze off hoping I do the same

A safe weight on my shoulders reminding me that I’m alive without nearly dying to prove it

 

I hate orange but I love things that happen to be orange

My silver lining distorts to copper as I realize how fitting it is

Hating the things that I can find so much good in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr @elphabuddy


	15. Heat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW Dysphoria

I love summer but it’s an unrequited love

95 degree sun beams down on me

It’s a comforting warmth that soon shifts into uncomfortable

I start sweating

My chest is tight under my binder

It feels like Judas wraps his arms around my ribs as his kiss steals my breath

My own body betrays me

It sticks to my flesh like a lover whose sweat sticks them to you after a night of cuddling

Like napalm without the pain

Like it’s become a new layer of skin

The hotter it gets, the more I regret loving summer

Why can’t I enjoy it like I did before puberty hit?

Carefree and fun

Running on the sand near Lake Michigan

Jumping into the pool with a giant cannonball

Laying in the soft grass reading

Now I put comfort over comfort which fills me with discomfort with every breath I force into my lungs

How long will it be until I can truly love summer like a child again?

How long will it be before I can love summer without hating myself?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr @elphabuddy


	16. Anxiety

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW Anxiety Attack, Disassociation, Self Hatred

Numb

Hazy

Phased and dazed out

Forcing myself to somewhere else

Anywhere else

Screaming and shouting

The sound around me booms as I drown

Zoning in and out of reality

Everything surrounding me is screeching

Reaching

Grabbing me

Don’t touch me

Not when every touch stings

Singes my skin

White hot fear rages on through my ribs

I am a lover

Not a fighter

But when fight or flight kicks in for no reason I must survive

Every fiber of my body is desperate to be saved

Clawing and gnawing my insides to bits

Leaving me bloody

Gory

Raw

Stripped right down to the bone

What I can’t seem to realize is you don’t need saving if there’s no danger

This deep, agonizing terror is relentless

Compelling me into hiding in a bathroom

“Sanctuary sanctuary” my cells beg to this porcelain temple attempting to hold me hostage

Tape my mouth to keep me from speaking up

Hogties me in this room to avoid people who I can’t be sure if they truly love me

Logically I know they do

Realistically I wonder if they should

What a waste of space I am

Pushing away my loved ones before they can see me as I see myself

Before they can begin to be the first to shove

I protect myself by causing myself pain

Shutting down accepting my place in this world

As the freak

The fuck up

The failure 

The issue with this this situation is I am the one who has assigned myself that place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr @elphabuddy

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr @elphabuddy


End file.
